The End...or the Beginning?

How do you know when something has come to an end? Is it just over or do you know that the end is coming and you are prepared for it? Or maybe it is both.

I always knew from the time I was a small child that I wanted children. Getting married and becoming a mom was at the top of my list of childhood dreams. I never knew that the road to achieving that dream would be a difficult one. To begin with, I married later that I had "planned" to. But that was okay, he was worth waiting for!!

The next three years were finishing college and working, so when we did start we were well into our 30s. The next two years of trying to conceive were heartbreaking as we both wanted a little baby so very badly. We truly believed that God wanted us to have children and just kept believing He would answer our prayers. Our dreams were realized with the birth of our daughter, Elisabeth Nichole. Knowing it could take a while, we started trying for the second when Elisabeth was only 6 weeks old. True to the pattern, it took another two years of continuous and many times heartbreaking trying. Two years and seven months after the arrival of Elisabeth, Matthew Alexander (Max) made his debut. We were thrilled and in love with both our children.

Before we were even married, we picked out a boy name and a girl name. We were agreed that we both wanted two children. Now we had them and yet I still had a burning desire for more. I loved being pregnant and missed it once it was over. It was like I couldn't get enough. It was a drug that I was addicted to. I loved everything that had to do with pregnancy and babies. Don't get me wrong, I was happy and content with the two I had but just wasn't sure if it was the end. Not knowing if it was just that I had enjoyed being pregnant and being a mom so much that I wanted to keep doing it. Or if we were really meant to have more.

Well, God knew... When Max was 18 months old, we were surprised by the fact that #3 was going to arrive in nine months. Yet once again, after Ethan Zane made his arrival, I had that burning desire for more. Will and I had agreed that even though Ethan was a surprise and so very wanted, three was more than enough. So why did I still have that yearn? Would it always be there? Would I be 60 years old and still wanting more children? I didn't want to be one of those moms with a dozen children. I wanted to be able to afford private school. To spend quality time with each of them and not feel like I was spread thinner than thin. As it is, I never have any time to myself.

It wasn't that we didn't want any more but we agreed that as older parents we wanted to be able to concentrate on the three beautiful children God gave us. But even holding little ones belonging to friends made me long for more. I couldn't take anymore. I had to pray "God, either Will and I need to agree that we have more or this feeling needs to go!! I can't continue to yearn and ache for more children that I know I can't have."

Now it is 2010, Elisabeth is 7, Max is almost 5 and Ethan is almost 3 ... I can say that I feel the "end" is finally here. Our home is less and less babyfied. No more cribs, high chairs, bouncy seats, or pack-n-plays. The further we move away from the baby stage, the more I know that chapter is closed. It is kind of bittersweet in that so much of my life was getting to this point that looking ahead is kind of daunting. I am content to hold little babies and then return them to their mothers. I will babysit when necessary but this incubator is closed.

Thank you God for giving me a beautiful family. Thank you for the three blessings that continue to enrich my life each and every day. Thank you for the life partner you have given me in whom I am securely nestled in his heart. Thank you God for the peace I have in the life I now live. I am blessed beyond words and as I watch my children grow, change and develop, I thank you for each stage of life. I also thank you that I will be ready for each one as it arrives.